Sharing fantasies
Q: My boyfriend and I have pretty vanilla sex. It’s good, but I would like to try and spice things up. I think he would be interested, too, I just don’t know how to talk about it with him - especially when it comes to the kinkier stuff. How should I approach this?
Hi lovely! Whether you’ve been together for years or only recently started dating, you probably have at least one fantasy that you haven’t told your partner about. Maybe you’re embarrassed. Maybe you’re worried about how they will react. Maybe you didn’t even know it was something you were into until recently. So what now? Do you just keep it to yourself, allowing it to languish away in your spank bank for perpetuity?
I mean, you could. But where’s the fun in that? Turning a fantasy into a reality is one of the most satisfying sexual adventures you can embark on, as soon as you make sure that your partner is along for the ride. Not all fantasies can become reality, of course, but even celebrity orgies or logistical nightmares can be translated into really hot dirty talk or role play, if you know how to broach the subject.
As a sex coach, the question I get asked most frequently is some variation of “is this normal?” And 99 times out of 100, the answer is yes. So if you’re feeling some weirdness, or any degree of shame around your dirtiest fantasies, just remember this: All sexual activities between consenting adults are normal. (And the corollary: you’re not the only one! As the Rule 34 internet meme declares, no matter what the topic, “there is porn of it.”)
My favorite way to get couples talking about their sexual fantasies is by using Yes/No/Maybe lists. There are a variety of these to be found online, some more comprehensive than others, but the premise is the same. You are provided with a list of sexual and/or kinky activities, and you get to indicate if you are definitely into them, could be into them in the right context, or if it’s a hard pass. Then, you compare with your partner. Couples who are comfortable talking about all things sexy but just don’t know where to start could do this as a joint activity. Folks who are a little more bashful might prefer filling out their lists separately and then comparing.
Lists like this are great, and not just because they normalize a whole range of activities. They can help you gauge how your partner is feeling about spicing things up, and can be revisited any time you want to try something new. (“Hey babe, remember when you said that bondage was a maybe…?”) They can also help soften the blow if it turns out that your partner is not down for something you really want to do. Getting a “no” (or worse, an “ew, no”) when you are naked and vulnerable can feel really crushing. It’s much easier to get that information as a tally mark on an internet quiz, especially when it is surrounded by things they ARE into.
Another way to see how your partner feels about a certain fantasy is to find porn or erotica - or even a mainstream book or movie - that depicts it. If your fantasies include BDSM, Secretary (2002) or Professor Marston and the Wonder Women (2017) are great choices - and a bit more realistic than the world of Anastasia and Mr. Grey. The same goes for Ann Rice’s Sleeping Beauty books, which put a kinky twist on the classic fairy tale. Phoenix, a 33 year old femme, likes this approach if the fantasy includes something their partner is unfamiliar with. They have found a building process to be the most effective way to share fantasies, starting with creating a safe space to discuss the fantasy when not in a sexual situation, and establishing that the fantasy can be explored slowly and with flexibility around how it looks.
When your fantasies are not so easily realized, or might not even be something you necessarily want to do in real life, there are still ways you can incorporate them into your sex life. Does the idea of going home with a stranger seem really hot, but not within the bounds of your relationship? A new outfit, some made up names, and a hotel you’ve never been to are all it takes to role play that scenario with your partner. Are you turned on by the idea of cuckolding or threesomes, but not sure you’d ever go through with it? Having your partner whisper a few key details into your ear might be all it takes to get you off. And the more you talk about it, the more you both can decide if you want to make that dirty talk a reality.
If talking during sex isn’t already a part of your repertoire, you can start by saying what you are doing or what you want to do out loud. Asking questions like “do you like that?” or “how does that feel?” can help you get your partner involved, even if they are shy. Clients often tell me that dirty talk and role play can feel silly at first, so I encourage them to use that to their benefit. There’s always room for silliness and laughter when it comes to sex, and a playful attitude can loosen everyone’s nerves.
When it comes to fantasies, the power of suggestion is key. Regardless of what works for you - a shared list, a movie, or a jump start to your dirty talk, hopefully this is only the beginning of a new sexual adventure with your partner. And who knows? Once you start sharing your fantasies, it might be just the push they need to start telling you theirs.
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