Early ejaculation
Q: I have always had problems with coming too fast. It doesn’t happen in every sexual encounter, but it still happens way more than I would like. I know there are ways to desensitize myself, like doubling up on condoms, but I still want to feel something. Is there anything else I can try?
Hi lovely! It happens to the best of guys: you’re with a new partner, or you haven’t had sex in awhile, or maybe you’re just really turned on, and the next thing you know, you’re… finished. Early ejaculation is incredibly common, but that doesn’t make it any less frustrating. (Side note: sex coaches call it “early ejaculation” rather than “premature ejaculation” because we favor descriptive terms over ones with a more judgmental tone.) The good news is that a variety of tips and techniques - and a healthy dose of reframing - can make this concern a thing of the past.
Mindfulness practices are a good place to start. Get in the habit of slowing down your breathing, even before the clothes come off. A pattern of inhaling for three seconds, holding for two, and then exhaling for four will calm your body and give you somewhere else to put your focus. You can do breathing exercises before or during sex, or even ask your partner to breathe with you - matching breaths and co-regulating your nervous system with someone else can lead to a more connected sexual experience for both of you. Visualization can help as well, but don’t feel compelled to conjure up something unsexy - you’re trying to slow down, not turn yourself off completely! Picturing a peaceful location, or imaging light slowly filling your body are two good options that will also keep you in the moment.
Another approach is to find ways to lessen your sensitivity. I don’t ever recommend numbing sprays - just like with anal sex, pain is an important indicator and one you don’t want to take away. But if you and your partner don’t regularly use condoms, you could introduce them as a way to safely decrease your sensitivity. (If it’s been awhile and you find them to be uncomfortable, remember that there are internal and external condoms, as well as multiple sizes and materials.) Similarly, if you have a date planned for the evening, making a point to masturbate earlier in the day can prolong your endurance when the time comes, as it won’t be your first orgasm of the day.
The squeeze technique, developed by sex pioneers Masters and Johnson, is a way to build up ejaculatory control, and can be practiced either alone or with a partner. When you feel yourself getting ready to come, you want to squeeze your penis firmly where the head meets the shaft for a few seconds, then resume either touching yourself or having sex. You can do this multiple times before you have an orgasm. This works for a lot of men, and can be especially useful if you have a partner who is on board for experimenting (and willing to do the squeezing). If the idea of firm pressure is a big no, you can also try the stop-start method, which is the same concept without the squeezing. Instead, you get to the point right before you’re about to come, and just stop thrusting for a few seconds until it passes. Make sure your partner is aware of what’s going on, so they don’t think you stopped out of nowhere. This is basically the same thing as edging, so if you’re feeling adventurous, you can bring some kinky energy into it - try to have a competition to see who can hold off on coming the longest, or make a rule where you can’t come unless your partner says so.
One of the best and easiest ways to address early ejaculation is by expanding your definition of what makes up a sexual encounter. Viewed through the lens of sex as penis-in-vagina penetration only, the average duration (according to a 2005 study) is 5.4 minutes, with the “ideal” range falling somewhere between 7 and 13 minutes. By that measure, any sex that lasts under five minutes is “too fast.” What this doesn’t take into consideration is all the other parts of sex that have nothing to do with how long you can last: making out, cuddling, rubbing, stroking, oral sex, mutual masturbation, sex toys, role play, spanking, hair pulling, wrestling… you get the picture. Sex doesn’t have to be a linear progression that ends with male orgasm. In fact, it will most likely be better for you and your partner if you throw that whole script out the window.
It’s also important to understand your refractory period (or the time it takes between orgasm and getting aroused again). As 35 year old Katelyn recalls, “I had a new partner who I was really excited to have sex with. Things started off great, but he finished much quicker than I was expecting. Usually when that happens, the guy apologizes and it’s an awkward situation for both of us. But this time, he immediately switched to going down on me, and in a few minutes he was ready to go again - no complaints here!” A man’s refractory period can increase as he ages, but in most cases, if you focus on your partner, take breaks, and keep your confidence from waning, you should be able to continue the sexual adventure long after the first time you come. Lastly, it’s important to not lose sight of the joy of quickies - just because you can find ways to make sex last longer, doesn’t mean you always should. A spontaneous quickie in a surprising location might be just want you need to give your sex life a jump start. As long as you’re communicating and having fun, there’s no wrong way to get it on.
If you have a sex or relationship question you would like Leigh to answer (anonymously), please contact them here.
