A polyamory primer
Q: I'm interested in polyamory, and I recently attended a meet-up to get to know more non-monogamous people. Everyone was nice, but a lot of the time, I had no idea what they were talking about! There seems to be a whole other language: compersion, unicorns, kitchen table… Can you help me understand what some of these terms mean?
Hi lovely! One thing that all subcultures, communities, and professions have in common is that the folks involved share a common language - and polyamory is no exception. The origin of the word itself is pretty straightforward: polyamory literally translates to “many loves.” But if you’re new to this relationship style, you are likely to encounter a bunch of terms that have you wondering what in the world people are talking about. Don’t let the jargon of dating sites and meet-ups get you down - I’m here to help.
Polyamory falls under the umbrella of ethical (aka consensual) non-monogamy, but it differs from swinging or monogamish relationships because it creates space for multiple romantic partners, rather than just sexual openness. Some polyamorous relationships are hierarchical, which means that one relationship takes precedence over any other relationships that the people involved may have. Partners in hierarchical relationships are often referred to as primary partners, with non-primary partners called secondary or satellite partners. Some couples in a primary relationship have veto power over their partners’ other relationships (meaning they can make decisions about relationships they aren’t involved in) and rely heavily on rules that center the main relationship. They might even have a don’t ask, don’t tell (DADT) policy, where outside relationships are allowed, but not discussed or shared in any way. Hierarchy can be preferred for folks who are married, co-parenting, or nesting (i.e. living together), but there is room for all of that in non-hierarchy as well.
In non-hierarchical polyamory, no relationship is inherently more important than any other. People in these types of relationships may refer to longer-term or committed partners as core or anchor partners. According to 30 year old Ehm Driggers, “One of my favorite polyamorous terms is anchor partner. As someone who practices and believes that consensual and ethical non-monogamy requires the dismantling of a hierarchy, I find ‘anchor partner’ to be a term that grounds my relational history and emotional investment without relying on harmful words like ‘primary’ or ‘secondary.’” Some folks use the term comet to refer to someone in their life who comes around occasionally, like an out-of-town partner. There are also polyamorous people who consider themselves to be solo-poly. If someone is solo-poly, they value their independence and have made a conscious choice to step off the relationship escalator (the concept that relationships should naturally progress from dating to living together to marriage to kids). Solo-poly folks might enter into serious or long-term relationships, but may have boundaries around things like cohabitating.
Compersion is one of the first polyamory terms that I learned, and I still love it. It describes a feeling of joy at seeing your partner experience joy - a kind of vicarious warm fuzzy feeling. (But don’t fret, not everyone experiences compersion, and definitely not all of the time.) Often the source of that feeling is seeing your partner with THEIR partner, also known as your metamour. The other big polyamory “feelings” term (though it happens in monogamous relationships as well) is NRE, or new relationship energy. NRE is that single-minded, can’t eat, can’t sleep infatuation that is often the hallmark of early relationships. While it is mostly a positive thing - all those feel-good chemicals! - it can also be a challenge to existing relationships if not kept in check.
Polyamorous configurations can take many different forms, but the general term for a group of interconnected polyam folks is polycule. This is most commonly used in kitchen-table poly, where everyone involved is friendly enough with each other that they could be reasonably expected to enjoy sitting at the same table and sharing a meal (whether that is a common occurrence or not). Sometimes kitchen-table poly is seen as the ideal, but it only works if everyone involved is on the same page.
A single, bisexual woman who is interested in both members of a male/female relationship is known as a unicorn (since she’s highly coveted but impossible to find). While there are women who wear the unicorn badge proudly, some couples go looking for them in a way that feels more predatory than mutually respectful, earning them the less-than-flattering name unicorn hunters. A configuration where three people are all in a romantic and sexual relationship with each other is a triad (or throuple), and when there are four people, it’s known as a quad. Triads and quads can be open to outside partners, or closed, meaning no one involved has any other partners. Another word for a closed polyamorous configuration is poly-fidelity. Alternately, when two people are involved with the same person, but not with each other, that’s known as a vee.
One of the coolest things about language is how constantly it evolves to meet the needs of the people who use it. It might seem like these are a lot of made-up words, but at the end of the day, all words are made up. So choose the ones that work for you and your people, and find new ones when necessary. Just leave unicorn hunting to the fairy tales.
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