Surviving infidelity
Q: Do you think that a relationship can survive if someone cheats? Isn’t there a pretty good chance that they’ll do it again? And if you’re the one who cheated, won’t the guilt make it impossible to move on?
Hi lovely! No matter the circumstances, infidelity is one of the biggest challenges a relationship can face. If you are the person who was cheated on, your emotions might range from sadness and hurt to confusion and anger. If you are the one who cheated, the guilt can be colossal. Repair is possible, though, provided that you’re both willing and able to do the work.
Cheating can include not just sexual activities, but flirting, sexting, kissing, cuddling, watching porn or “emotional affairs,” which are usually differentiated from close friendships by their secretive nature and emotional intensity. I’m not here to tell you what counts as cheating in your relationship; that can only be determined by the two people involved. The defining characteristic is a betrayal of trust or of predetermined agreements, which is why it is imperative to have conversations about what is and isn’t acceptable in your unique relationship before it becomes an issue. Cheating isn’t limited to monogamy, either. For example, if you agree to tell each other about new sexual experiences and then you don’t, that’s still a betrayal of trust, even though having sex with someone outside the relationship is permitted.
Everyone has the capacity to be unfaithful, and there are as many reasons for cheating as there are people in relationships. Some of the more common reasons include loneliness, boredom, someone’s needs not getting met, a change in attraction, excitement seeking, self-destructive risk-taking, lust, and simply getting caught up in the moment. Ethically non-monogamous people often notice that they had a pattern of cheating when they thought monogamy was their only relationship option. Whatever the reason, it’s never the fault of the person who was cheated on. You can have valid issues with your partner, but it is your responsibility to address them with kindness and clarity, up to and including ending the relationship if necessary.
We’ve all heard the phrase “once a cheater, always a cheater.” While this might be true for some people, I find it to be incredibly reductive. You’re not a bad person if you make a mistake, and you’re not a weak person if you choose to stay with a partner who has been unfaithful. There is room to acknowledge that we don’t need to be defined by the worst thing we’ve done while also recognizing, for example, when something has become a pattern of behavior. For some people, once is enough, and that’s okay, too. You don’t need to earn your boundaries, and if one of your boundaries is “if you cheat, I leave,” you have a right to that truth. Not all relationships can or should be saved, and if you find that it’s impossible to forgive your partner, that needs to be communicated so that you can both move forward.
For there to be true healing from infidelity, both partners have to want that to happen. Ever, a 40 year old who’s been on both sides of this, says “Repair was possible because we both wanted it more than we wanted that fleeting feeling of the attention we got from others. Repair was possible because we put the time, energy, and effort we were putting into our affairs, into each other.” So what are the best ways to do that? I think it’s important to start with honesty and to assume positive intent from your partner. If you have been cheated on, trust needs to be rebuilt, but it’s not a gauntlet to put your partner through. Snooping, ultimatums, punishments, and unrealistic rules are not going to make your relationship stronger, and treating the partner who cheated like a naughty child will only breed resentment. That being said, you can absolutely ask to talk about it when you need to. It’s not a one-time conversation, and it’s understandable if new emotions come up as time passes, even if you thought you were “over it.” Infidelity can be traumatic, and moving through the phases of grief is to be expected.
If you are the person who cheated, remember that actions speak louder than words. You don’t need to be a martyr, but you should try to show your love in the ways your partner is best able to receive it (and if you don’t know, ask). Self-flagellation without change doesn’t serve anyone. Talk to a professional: ideally separately AND together. As Ever continues, “We knew it would be helpful to have someone else listen in, help facilitate our conversations, and partner with us to dig into the issues that made us feel more activated - the hot topics that made one or both of us act from our anger or despair.” Take time to hear each other, without making assumptions or jumping to conclusions. Give these conversations the space they need, but also make sure to do something just for the two of you to take a break from processing painful emotions, like taking a trip or starting (or resuming) weekly date nights. Understand that sexual intimacy might take some time, and consider lower stakes ways to be intimate, even if that just looks like cooking or watching a show together at first. This probably goes without saying, but if you want to stay in this relationship, you need to end things with the other person. Just remember that they’re a person too, with their own feelings and pain. You and your partner’s experience doesn’t trump theirs, and while you might not be the right person to help them through this, you can be kind and compassionate. Resist the urge to blame them solely, even if your partner (understandably) tries to go that route: you’re an equal party here, not a poor corrupted soul.
Lastly, treat yourself with the same compassion that you have for others. Whatever side you’re on, you’re deserving of love and support, and no matter what happens with your relationship, there’s a path back to personal happiness. You can do this.
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