Finding the right professional
Q: I’m totally comfortable talking to someone about my sexual issues. I just don’t know who I should reach out to. What’s the difference between a sex coach and a sex therapist? What about sexual surrogates? Do they really have sex with their patients? Can you help me understand who would best suit my needs?
Hi lovely! At its best, sex can be fun, exciting, relaxing, intimate, raunchy… even mindblowing. But there’s a good chance that your relationship to sex (as well as to your body and possibly your partner) isn’t a static thing. Sometimes, you hit a rough patch and realize that where you want to be is far from where you actually are. Thankfully, seeking the help and guidance of professionals is becoming increasingly normalized. No matter what you are struggling with - loneliness, erectile dysfunction, trauma, boredom, mismatched desire - you don’t have to go it alone. You might be ready to call in the sexuality pros, but do you know who is best equipped to meet your particular needs? Let’s look at five different professions and what they do (and don’t) offer.
The main role of a therapist is to support their clients’ mental health as it relates to all aspects of their lives, including sex (whether or not that was their educational focus, as is the case with sex therapists). Mental health encompasses a lot of things, and you don’t need an official diagnosis to benefit from talking to someone. If you’re experiencing panic attacks, depression, sexual side effects from medication, emotional triggers, or relationship conflict, therapists are licensed and trained to provide the care you need using a variety of talk-based approaches. Often, therapists will delve into your past to help you uncover the patterns and root causes that might be negatively affecting your life. In couples’ therapy, they can create a safe, unbiased space for you and your partner to work together through communication breakdowns, relationship stressors, and other types of conflict. An added benefit to therapy? Therapists are often (but not always) covered by insurance, so that can help with the cost.
One of the more specialized and least understood sexuality professions is partner surrogate therapy (also known as sexual surrogacy). Partner surrogates work directly and exclusively with licensed sex therapists, so you can’t just call them out of the blue. If this is something you want to explore, you will need to find a therapist first. They are also the only sexuality professionals who provide hands-on sexual contact, which can (but doesn’t necessarily) include penetrative sex. If you have minimal to no sexual experience, sexual trauma, a disability that makes sex more challenging, erectile dysfunction, or body image anxiety, this form of therapy can positively aid in your healing process and the development of a healthy relationship to sex and intimacy. The goal is skill-building rather than sexual gratification - a hands-on approach that works in conjunction with, not instead of, more traditional talk therapy.
Sex coaching, which is my area of expertise, exists at the intersection of sex therapy and life coaching. It is a client-centered, holistic, talk-only approach that is more solutions-based and collaborative than traditional therapy. Rather than dig into the past, I work with clients to create an action plan (often including home assignments) to help them release shame, heighten pleasure, and increase knowledge. Some coaches specialize in intimacy or dating; my niche is working with clients who tend to be marginalized and often find themselves in the role of educating their providers: non-monogamous, kinky, and/or LGBTQIA+ folks. If you’re struggling to stay present in your body, experiencing libido changes or mismatched desire with your partner, looking to explore your sexuality, or in need of better communication skills, a sex coach could be perfect for you. My favorite part of this work is the opportunity to create a safe space for my clients to fully embrace their sexual selves.
Sometimes the help you’re looking for is more in the realm of fantasy fulfillment or companionship. There are a few ways to go about this. If you want to scratch your voyeur - or exhibitionist - itch, webcam models (i.e. cam girls) offer live, private, and two-way shows. Cam girls who provide more of a “girlfriend experience,” can give you a place to practice your social and flirtation skills from the safety of your home. Maybe you want your masturbation fantasy to feel a little more realistic, or you are lonely and you just want to talk to a pretty girl. These are legitimate sexual and emotional needs, especially in a time of such social isolation. While cam girls don’t provide the same services as mental health professionals, they can help you boost your confidence, reignite your sexuality, and feel a little less alone. And if the internet isn’t your platform of choice, sext lines or old school phone sex operators are still very much a thing. Just remember that the person on the other side of the screen has to deal with a lot more bullshit for a lot less money than some of these other professionals, so be respectful and tip, tip, tip!
If your fantasy fulfillment scenario is less “What are you wearing?” and more “Thank you Mistress, may I have another?”, a dominatrix can quite literally show you the ropes. BDSM is good for your mental health, and can help you feel more relaxed, more present, and more sexually satisfied, even though sexual contact is NOT a part of the dominatrix/client relationship. Role play with a professional is a safe way to explore taboos and even address trauma. Pro-dommes got to their position with skills and experience, so if there’s an implement or technique you’ve been curious about, they will be happy to either use it on you or teach you the tips and tricks to take it home to your partner (or show you both if you decide to book a couples’ session). Whether you’re a beginner or a seasoned player, a dominatrix can give you the opportunity to take a deep breath and relinquish control.
The state of the world can be overwhelming, but prioritizing your sexual health and happiness is excellent self-care for any time of the year. Luckily, there are plenty of professionals who can assist you on your journey to an amazing sex life.
If you have a sex or relationship question you would like Leigh to answer (anonymously), please contact them here.
