Mismatched sex drives
Q: I’ve been with my partner for five years. When we first got together, we had sex three or four times a week, and it seemed like our libidos were pretty evenly matched. In the last year, I’ve found myself initiating sex and getting shot down a lot. I don’t want to pressure my partner, but I am starting to feel hurt by the rejection. Is it always going to be like this?
Hi lovely! We’ve all heard the stereotype that men reach their sexual peak in their 20s, while women hit theirs closer to 40. It’s more accurate to say that sexual desire is fluid and prone to fluctuation throughout your lifespan - but don’t let that get in the way of your hot MILF role play. The changing nature of libido means that the likelihood of always being on the same page as your partner, especially in a longer term relationship, is not super high. But don’t despair: there are ways to address uneven desire.
Mismatched sex drives is probably THE most common issue I see among couples in my coaching practice. I like to ask both partners to think about how many times a week or month they would ideally like to have sex, and compare it to how often they have recently been having (or not having) sex. Whether you want to have sex three times a day, three times a week, three times a month, or three times a year - it’s all great and normal and good, as long as you’re happy! There is absolutely nothing wrong with being the lower desire partner or the higher desire partner, and often folks will have experience being both at different times in their lives. What causes conflict is when the amount of sex that one partner wants to be having is wildly different from what the other wants. (There is also no reason to compare yourself to what you think other couples are doing. If you and your partner are both happy with the amount of sex you’re having, pay no attention to what other folks might think is too much or too little. Don’t create problems where they don’t exist!)
Sometimes a mismatch in sexual desire is the result of a drastic change in one partner’s libido. If the cause is something you can directly point to, like pregnancy, illness, grief, or a high-stress work project, the best solution might be to simply acknowledge that it’s happening and that it’s temporary. There are going to be times in your life where sex might not be a priority, but if you communicate with your partner and find other ways to connect - sharing massages, cuddling, even just carving out time to talk - it will be easier to get back in the habit when things stabilize. If the change is drastic AND unexplained, visit the doctor to make sure that something else isn’t going on. It can feel uncomfortable talking to a doctor about your sex life, but it’s possible that a small change like tweaking a prescription or experimenting with hormone replacement could make a big difference.
But let’s say that it isn’t temporary, and you and your partner have either always had uneven desires or they have developed that way over time. If that’s the case, it can be easy to find yourselves in a cycle of resentment. Often, the lower desire partner feels guilty for turning down the higher desire partner, who then feels rejected or even ashamed. To avoid those unpleasant feelings, the lower desire partner dodges any hint of intimacy (and may even recoil at their partner’s touch) while the higher desire partner shuts down. At this point, resentment is practically unavoidable, and couples caught in this cycle often find themselves either constantly fighting or drifting further apart.
Like with temporary libido dips, the first step is acknowledgment. This isn’t an issue that’s going to go away on its own. One option for easing back into sex is to take penetration off the table for a period of time. This way, the lower desire partner knows it’s safe to be sensual without the expectation of sex, and the higher desire partner can show affection without being rejected. Sensate exercises, where the focus is on pleasurable sensations, communication, and taking things slowly, can be a great way to start. Another idea is to normalize masturbation. Sometimes in relationships, masturbation can become taboo - something that everyone does but doesn’t talk about, or something you’re not “supposed” to do when you’re partnered. But self-pleasure is an excellent way for the higher desire partner to get their needs met, and talking about it openly takes away all that unnecessary shame. It can also be something you share - maybe one partner is too tired or stressed for really active sexy times, but mutual masturbation is the perfect compromise. Or the lower desire partner could be perfectly happy to have their lover masturbate in the same room.
Sometimes sex drive plummets in relationships after the initial excitement is gone, and the lower desire partner WANTS to want more sex, but can’t quite get there. In this case, it can be worth it to think of ways to introduce novelty. Partners engaging in a new experience together (whether that’s skydiving or group sex) are more likely to increase their enjoyment even if the experience itself is a flop. So trying a new position, laughing, and agreeing that it didn’t work for either of you is better for the relationship than sticking to the same three moves you’ve always done. There’s also the possibility that a conversation about mismatched desire leads to considering a different arrangement: opening up the relationship, a hall pass, or something similar. Or it can uncover some underlying issues that might best be addressed by seeing a therapist or a coach.
It’s important to remember that sex drive has nothing to do with gender, and that no one is inherently more or less sexual than anyone else. According to Jessie, a 32 year old woman and former client, “People assume it’s always the man who wants more sex and the woman who has a cliche headache and tries to avoid it. But in my experience, and talking with my friends, I’m often interested more frequently than my partners. I’ve struggled with feeling like I should just ask less, but eventually I don’t know how to bring it up because I’m worried that it will come across like I’m saying they’re doing something wrong, when really I just want to figure out how to connect and if maybe something has changed.” Framing conversations around a desire to connect can be a great way to move away from blaming or apologizing for something that is most likely not personal at all.
I’ve had folks ask me if I believe that sexual incompatibility is a good reason to end a relationship. I think that if you’re communicating honestly, open to creative solutions, and you have shared goals for the future, it absolutely doesn’t have to be. But I also want to empower people to prioritize their sexual happiness. If your partner refuses to talk about your sexual relationship or listen to your needs, it’s okay to make choices that support your entire self!
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