Relationship agreements
Q: I’m new to the world of non-monogamy. Is there some kind of guide book I should read? It seems like there’s a lot of room to make mistakes, and I would love to know how to avoid them before getting anyone else involved. Are there rules that you think all non-monogamous folks should follow?
Hi lovely! So you’re thinking of trying non-monogamy. It might be a first for you, or for your partner, or for the two of you as a couple. Maybe this is a new relationship, or maybe you’re opening up a relationship that has been monogamous for years. You might want to try swinging, or enter into a triad, or just keep it monogamish for special occasions. But no matter what it ends up looking like, you’re going to want to be on the same page, and the best way to support that is to develop relationship agreements.
I like to use the term “agreements” to differentiate them from rules. Rules, like “you can’t do this” or “you have to do that,” can feel like an attempt to control someone else’s behavior. One of the things that draws a lot of folks to non-monogamy is the sense of freedom that it provides, so fostering that freedom is important. But freedom doesn’t mean free-for-all, and the easiest way to get hurt or unwittingly hurt your partner is through unspoken assumptions and expectations.
How you go about creating relationship agreements depends on how you like to communicate. For some couples, casual conversation is sufficient. For relationship nerds, spreadsheets and Google docs might be more your speed. Either way, remember that this isn’t a one-time discussion: as the needs and specifics of your relationship evolve, so might your agreements. If non-monogamy is brand new to both of you, your early agreements might change drastically once you have some real-world experience.
Lucy, who is 37 and non-monogamous, likes to sit down with herself first and be honest about where her requests are coming from: “I ask myself what my needs are and if I am open to other ways to meet those needs. Starting from the premise that everyone is operating in good faith and that these agreements will need adjusting as we go along, I try to keep my defenses low to keep communication open.” In a polyamory workshop that I teach, I posit a list of questions for couples to think about. While you can’t prepare for every scenario that might come up (nor should you try to!), considering some common ones can be super helpful.
What are each of your reasons for desiring non-monogamy? What excites you about it and how do you think that will benefit your relationship? What is your long-term vision? What kind of non-monogamy are you interested in? Is this primarily about sexual connections, or are you open to forming other romantic relationships as well? (And if so, do you desire a kind of kitchen-table polyamory, where everyone involved spends time together, as friends or otherwise?) How transparent do you want to be with each other about your experiences with others? Do you expect a play-by-play, a “don’t ask, don’t tell” scenario, or somewhere in between?
What are your safer sex protocols for birth control and STI prevention? How often are you getting tested, and what would you ask of future partners? Are condoms just for penetration, or oral sex as well? Are there any sex acts that you would like to keep just between the two of you? What are your thoughts on threesomes or group sex? An important thing to keep in mind is that your potential future partners will have their own boundaries and agreements as well. So rather than saying things like “You need to get tested,” you might want to frame it as “My partner and I have agreed to get tested every three months. Is that something that would work for you? Are there other ways that you practice safer sex?” Sometimes, a potential partner won’t be compatible, and that’s totally okay. But it’s important to know that before the pants come off.
One of the biggest fears that folks have around non-monogamy is how they will manage jealousy. Agreements that try to legislate feelings, like asking your partner not to fall in love with someone else, tend to have an incredibly low success rate. Rather than focusing on the fear, it can be helpful instead to address questions about maintaining your connection to each other. How do you like to reestablish intimacy after you have been with someone else? Is there an expectation that you will check in before dates, when you’ve reached your destination, or with a time that you will be returning home? What is your love language, and what are some concrete ways your partner can remind you that you are special to them? What makes you feel secure? What triggers feelings of insecurity? Do you have friends who are non-monogamous (or non-judgmental) who you can reach out to if you need support? How about a therapist or relationship coach?
Non-monogamy can be challenging to navigate, especially because it doesn’t follow the same relationship scripts that most of us grow up with. But it can also be exciting, surprising, and deeply fulfilling. Remember to be gentle with yourself, and your partner, as you figure out the best ways to move forward.
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